My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
oh you wanna fight?!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.