Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.