Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway