My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
You Might Also Like
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Haha! 😂
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!