Why are bridges so flammable.
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Roses are red
Violets are blue
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.