I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?