LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I have never related to anyone more.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.