” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
dictator is short for richard potato
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.