The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
You Might Also Like
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.