My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*