8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Watermelon Boss!
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.