Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way