There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
adam and eve had first world problems
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while