Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.