Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I am HOWLING at this
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips