So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
You Might Also Like
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.