Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
They’re not wrong
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.