Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Happy Star Wars day!
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.