My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-