According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
(Electricians.)
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.