My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are