Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I forgot how to panic. Help
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.