Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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Y’all know who you are.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Anime is real
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.