[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”