In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
we’re gonna need another temp
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”