Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Taliband
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.