No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Children of the corn 🌽
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years