Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.