#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
You Might Also Like
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Tremendous stuff
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
💯😂
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁