I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Wait a minute…
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.