We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
what’s more important?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.