me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
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Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
This hospital has everything
Beware of fowl play.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.