I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person