Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.