Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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Flock of bats
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.