Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I saw nothing
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI