Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.