Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
You Might Also Like
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?