[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I am yelling
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air