(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.