This is from an actual conversation 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Scientist: We don鈥檛 really know exactly how that happens. They鈥檙e performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
trust my gut? the thing that can鈥檛 even handle milk?
When I鈥檓 president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I feel it
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
The way my kids use toothpaste they鈥檒l never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Women will never truly be equal as long as they鈥檙e smarter than men.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”