I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Ah..makes sense now
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE