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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
damn he’s good
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though