some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Children of the corn 🌽
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.