You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.