No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You Might Also Like
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Hitlers gonna hitl
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.