Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work