Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!