Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
me linking you to my twitter
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.