walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
This January has 47 Mondays
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations